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Sev Trek: The Comic Strip

This week: Trimming the EMH! No, we're not talking about trimming his already meagre hair but cutting out some of his programming.

Other Punchlines

These comics are created from the winning entries of Sev Trek TV Cartoon Contest. The winning punchline was written by Alex L. You can read the transcript of the IRC session where we decided the winner of all the competitions as well as the finalist punchlines and Punchlines of the Day.

Huw Peters

The Stress subroutine for instance


Why bother to compress his program? Just delete his ego subroutine.


Your Internal organs, why you added them when no one can see them I don't know


Sarcasm Program V2.1


Think of it as a lobotomy


(Seven say B'elanna's text, B'elanna says "strange, I don't see any singing skills here"


Ten: "Your 'easily irritated' subroutine"

the cherry tree with the pink blossom left of the memorial

Everything. Computer delete EMH.


Don't worry, you don't need your teeth anyway.

Dark Trinity

Perhaps the "loud, annoying voice" subrountine.

Cmdr. Solomon

Well, your pokemon database for one thing.

Renegade Borg

Singing subroutines, bad bedside manner, annoying sarcasm...notice how they all originate from one source? I say we delete his tongue.

Kalahari Karl

Congratulations Doctor; you're now the first human look-alike to have no belly button.


An EMH doesn't need to be anatomically correct, right?


Do we tell him the results of the ship-wide poll or just surprise him?


22% of the crew want your romantic subroutines removed, 25% want your singing subroutines removed and 53% just want your whole mouth and talking subroutines removed.


The crew took a vote and frankly your entire attitude needs removing.


Removing your desire to teach would be a great relief to many.

Huw Hay

Try the personality!

Scott McClenny

We'll begin with that Emmys Speech you had planned!



Tony Lake

perhaps your suspiciously expanding waistline...


Your ego matrix and scalp subroutine should suffice.


Think of it as correcting your overbyte.

Captain Sevway

The "Superiority 1.2" directory, for one


I can think of a few things about the female crew that have no medical value ...


May I suggest the "unrequited love" subroutine?


Use the compressor: Anorexia 2.2.


Well, you always wanted to lose a few pounds...

Cmdr. Solomon

Nothing important...just your bedside manner subroutines...which you never use.

Cmdr. Solomon

Just your Panic at every situation subroutines.


Pictures, data, fantasy thoughts... related to me

Captain Big Mouth

Let's just switch his personality with Hairy's. That should give us all the room we need.


Don't worry, it's not like she can take anymore hair off your head!

eric zuiderduin

i see you've already deleted the hair-file


A physical feature male holograms do not need...

Latin From Manhattan

I'm sure the entire crew would be grateful if we removed your opera subroutines.


Lets start with his personality. HAL 9000 was more entertaining.


Your 3D look ! You always wanted more ...screen presence.


Your "humor" subroutines, oh wait that does not free up much space


We can probably save ourselves time and just remove the Doctor's ego.


The facial expressions program takes up a lot of space......


Your ability to operate. We would go through so many more ensign expendables!!

Belgian Lord of Doom

Don't worry doctor, you we're never THAT popular with the female crew!

Swiss Cheese

hmm..... does he really need both legs?

Jack Hammerfist

Let's just say you won't be "fully functional."

Captain Sevway

"Do no harm", hell!!! WHat about all those "Social Lessons" you gave me???

Captain Sevway

Ethical Subroutines. Next time someone steals Mr Neelix's lungs, we can forget him!

Captain Sevway

Taking out the "Brown Noser" subroutine should do it.

Captain Sevway

How about his sick, twisted humor? That should leave "First Aid" and "Hair 0.00001"

Captain Sevway

Remove his "innocent" subroutine. We all know he knows what it means when Gainweight gives the Commander *that* look

Blaze of Maquis

We'll start with he one that makes you a jerk

Captain Sevway

Losing the "Photonic Cannon" daydream sequence should *really* save space!!!

Captain Sevway

How about the "Denara Pel" fantasy subroutine?

Blaze of Maquis

Like Male Pattern Baldness 2.0


Your big mouth, then your terrible bedside manner and then finally, your knowledge of opera


Your hormonal hyperdrive

Infinite Improbability

Why am I taking social lessons from this guy?

Infinite Improbability

All of the ECH protocols. We've all seen you sprout those silly pips one too many times.

Infinite Improbability

If you say that one more time all that we're sending is a floating head!

Infinite Improbability

Your obsession with trying to improve yourself and putting the ship at risk in the process.

Jack Hammerfist

I call dibs on his attitude!


That attitude for starters.

Steven Irving

Seven: Well, we hate to tell you this, but your singing is really, really bad...

Jane Garland

Can we remove his humor files? They're pretty useless.

Jane Garland

Take out his holonovel writing subroutiene, before he writes again!


How about the "I'm a doctor not a ...." subroutine?

Cameron Mason

Your medical subroutines - your hobbies are SO more important.


Your ability to activate yourself


Start with the "mentally undress 10" program


what about his personality-subroutines (sevroutines)


How about his "fall-in-love-with-the-wrong-woman" subroutines? We already have Hairy around to do that.


It's so hard to decide. Let's just delete him entirely.


Don't worry, it's painless. Ask Cuss.


Have you wondered what it would be like to be invisible?

Art DeBuigny

Your romantic subroutines. If you refuse, I'll slap you with a sexual harrassment charge.


Let's really give him something to whine about. Delete the rest of his hair!


If you remove his abrasiveness and arrogance, he will fit on a floppy disk!

Sean Godley

Like the 6 trillion gigaquads of the Karma Sutra you downloaded


Your sunny disposition


Yeah the program that makes him think he can sing like Vic Fontaine

Samuel Moritz

How about the activation sequence?


Yeah I never liked the whole*personality* thing myself, that can definately go


10 - your ego.ini file should about do it.


We'll be narrowing your medical database down to traditional folk remedies.


Applying treatment doesn't require the use of anything but the hands, correct?

Borg Comedy Drone

Stuff no-one likes, such as your singing, oyur personality, your voice...


Your clothing. Fair's fair.


I'll give you a won't be needing those dating subroutines anymore!


I'll give you a'll be singing check that..we'll take the singing subroutines too!

The Penguin Weekly

Remove just enough to get him there, but not back.

The Penguin Weekly

I suggest we distribute his personality subroutines to all the crew as soon as you remove them.

Dead Red Shirted Ensign

To many to fit into this bubble

The Penguin Weekly

We can all do without your daydreams.

The Penguin Weekly

I think you can do without your auto-combing function.

The Penguin Weekly

I'd say your personality wouldn't free up much space, but I forgot you're not Hairy Chin.

Infinite Improbability

Your ability to make quirky but annoying statements at the end of every scene.

The Penguin Weekly

All irrelevant knowledge . . . oh, wait . . . there'd be nothing left!

The Penguin Weekly

Delete his feelings for me . . . they are irrelevant.

The Penguin Weekly

Your ego . . . it takes up way too much space.

The Penguin Weekly

Your name . . . oh, wait . . . you don't have one!


The ego certainly hogs a lot of memory.

Cmdr. Solomon

Nothing, just your emotions, intelligence, hair subroutines, operating system, and medical database.


Your ego takes up 78.09 percent of memory. That would help.

admirably lost

ten : lets just say you will be singing in a higher range


Only your offensive parts.

Gregory Griffiths

That's for us to know and you to find out as the episode progresses.

Mike Howell

Your LousySinging subroutine; your "Emergency Executive Random Decision Maker"; your sick infatuation with me!

Mike Howell

Such as your "bedside manner"

Infinite Improbability

Teeth, hair, fingernails, tongue, fake commbadge, coloration, shoes, ...

Infinite Improbability

You're overreacting subroutine.


You will be a fully-functional doctor, but NOT fully-functional Doctor.


Your ethical subroutines, then you can lobotomise her in return


You will no longer have to sing "Start Me Up!"

Captain Carolyn Smith of the USS Excelsior

Frankly Doctor, we are sick of your singing.


Anything related to your simulated testoterone.


By popular suggestion... all of it...


Nothing important just your over emotional files, your oversized ego software, strange obsessions subroutines, and the vocal feature...


Hobbies, artistic appreciation, and social skills. I believe those are the least important ones...

Jay Berryhill

For starters, delete the subroutine, "Whiner"

Jay Berryhill

I hope you have your holounderware on..

Jay Berryhill

How much space is that attitude taking up?

Jay Berryhill

Audio and visual is my vote


Don't worry. We'll remove your memory of those features as well.


"Please State The Nature Of The Medical Emergency" will now be replaced with "Ding ding dong!"

Jennifer Sofia

I warned you it would take up alot of space to add a full set of hair to your pogram.

Jenny Scott

That love thing you've got going for me!

Jack Hammerfist

Your personality-- it worked for me!

Crazy Velcron

Your Dr. McCorduroy and Dr. Pavlovaski subroutines

Jack Hammerfist

The "Dr. Mcorduroy" temper is 90% of you!

Harry Hazeel

Mouth seems to be the most popular

Harry Hazeel

That leer you have when you operate on me


How about that annoying impression of Dr. McCourderoy he does?


You can definitely delete some of the "snotty replies" programming.


Don't be such a crybaby. We removed your bedside manner years ago & you didn't even notice!


T: The irritable Whining and Complaining subroutine seems like a start.


The power of speech comes to mind.


10: Remove his ego. Then we won't need to compress anything.


10: Give HIM a skin-tight catsuit, and see how HE likes it.


You won't be fully functional from now on.


I recommend beginning with the clothing design features. They are obviously defective.

ScottE Bemeup

Computer, delete attitude.

Doug Wilson

Well, let's just say you'll never hear the pitter patter of little holograms.


T: Deleting his ego should be more than sufficient.

ScottE Bemeup

Resistance is futile. You will be downsized.

ScottE Bemeup

Deleting his smuggness would yield significant savings.

ScottE Bemeup

May I suggest we begin with his slide collection?

ScottE Bemeup

Your sunny disposition has already been deleted.

ScottE Bemeup

Leave the hair. There are are negligible savings to be had there.

ScottE Bemeup

Don't worry. "That" feature is too small to be worth deleting.

Dave the Explosive Newt

Anything we find annoying. Hmm, that's all of your program then!

Ann E. Nichols

10: Your bedside manner, opera, every secret you know about the crew....

Ann E. Nichols

10: The entire crew put "Opera" first on the list.

Cmdr. Tony Q

We can remove your hair, but it'll only save us 70kb...

Cmdr. Annos

Can't we just deactivate him?


The ego should just about cover it.

Cmdr. Annos

Please, remove "You are my sunshine", or at least his singing routine.


He has features?


As of now, you are no longer familiar with technobabble.


10of10: Your clothes, like you did with mine


Deleting "I'm a doctor, not a..." database will clear enough space.

The Great Wizzard

Your bedside manners. Oh wait, you have none...

The Great Wizzard

Your opera subroutines and your photography obsession. This has the additional advantage that no one dies from boredom...

The Great Wizzard

Nothing important, just arms, legs, eyes, ...


like your ego...we can't exactly remove you hair now can we.


Your follicle subroutines for starters. Unfortunately they don't free up much space!

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