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This week's idea was suggested on the Ideas Board by Will Hammerand.
Sev Trek: The Comic Strip

Tomb Parasite's demotion. Here are some more interesting, creative (and sometimes plausible) ways for Tomb Parasite to get demoted to ensign.


Other Punchlines



These comics are created from the winning entries of The Write Your Own Sev Trek Competition. This week's winning punchline was written by Jacz. You can read the transcript of the IRC session where we decided the winner of all four competitions.


Zax

Oh, the writers do this every season when ideas get slow.

ExcaliburPrime

How could I know the saucer isn't detachable

Nick Noel

And what did you do to STAY an ensign.

Polgara

Nothing, Harry. They just wanted another disposable crewman.

Kris

Told the Captain it was time to promote you.

Cordavin Lon

I lodged a protest. We have passed by three wormholes because there was "coffe in that nebula."

grimace1

i accused twoblock of having emotional baggage

Ashley

That's between my and the Delta Flyer

Relisys

I askedthe captain what happened when she and Chocolatey where on that planet for a month...

valerie parv

got sick of trying to spell leu...loo...heck, ensign's easier

Michael Kraft

I left the toilet seat up in the bridge headroom.

Nina-Tina

When I said we needed a change to keep the show interesting, I didn't mean this.

Kyle Bruck

I killed Flodder

Mate

The writers wanna make me a no name ensign

craig

all i said was "maybe someone's had a little too much coffee today"...

Cmdr. Solomon

You remember that story of Shadrac Meshac and Abendego? Well, I refused to bow before "the Do" when I entered the Bridge yesterday and....well I'm sure you can figure out what happened.

John Lang

Never say "nice buns" when Gainweight asks about her hair.

Cmdr. Solomon

I refuse to submit to the will of the Do!

Big Ears

You're just jealous because nothing bad has happened to you recently!

Luigi Novi

In which episode?

Luigi Novi

I told Jonathan Frakes that I'm a better director than he is. DAMN, that guy is connected!

Quip

I dunked the wrong bun!

Luigi Novi

Got pulled over by a traffic cop. You have NO IDEA how much a speeding ticket is for going a billion times the speed of light past the speed limit.

Luigi Novi

Okay, here goes: I killed a bunch of people in a shuttle accident and falsified the report, which got me kicked out of Sevfleet, joined the Maquis, which got me tossed into jail, betrayed the Maquis, I put the moves on that alien scientist's wife in "Ex Post Facto," I put the moves on Kes during the first couple of seasons, too a swing at you in that alternate timestream in "Non Sequitir," got into a food fight with Kneelicks in "Parturtion," kidnapped the captain and impregnated her with frog kids in "Threshold," started an illegal gambling pool, became lax in my duties and took a swing at Chocolatay in the subplot running from "Meld" to "Investigations," lost my mind and provoked you into nearly killing me in "The Chute," made a mess of Rain Robinson's office in "Future's End part I," burned the pot roast in "Macrocosm," got tossed into jail for drug dealing and murder in "Fair Trade," put the moves on Torrid, and then didn't follow through when she actually NEEDED me to do so when she underwent pon farr in "Blood Fever," accidentally flew into that astral eddy in "Real Life," goaded Torrid in a bat'leh workout in "Displaced," nearly got myself and Twoblocks killed writing that stupid holonovel in "Worst Case Scenario," lost a shuttle in "Day of Honor," let Steth steal my body and act like a jerk in "Vis a Vis," was an even bigger jerk in that Kyrian museum simulation in "Living Witness," got both of us cloned and nearly killed in "Demon," kept escaping from my stasis unit in "One," goaded Torrid again in "Night," crashed another shuttle in "Once Upon a Time," disobeyed orders, stole the Delta Flyer, tried to destroy the Monean refinery and nearly started a war with them in THIS episode, not to mention all the stuff I will do in the future, like crash another shuttle in "Gravity" and annoy the hell out of Twoblocks by trying to fix him up with Nass, cover up for you and Tal in "The Disease," tell Gainweight that her ancestors weren't really part of the first Martian colonies in "11:59," goad Ten of Ten into a ping pong game in "Relativity," not support Torrid's religious beliefs in "Barge of the Dead," get possessed by that "Christine" rip-off shuttle and take off with it in "Alice," I mean, GEEZ, Hairy, what DIDN't I do? Forget demotion, I'm surprised they haven't had me DRAWN AND QUARTERED!

Mark

I beat her high score.

Luigi Novi

Haven't you been watching the show since the pilot? Where do I start?

Luigi Novi

I suggested we promote you to lieutenant. You're welcome.

Luigi Novi

I said, "Get a life!" to some SevTrek fans. Geez, those write-in campaigns really do work!

Eslington

I folded the nacelles too far

Luigi Novi

They decided I was becoming useless. No offense.

Luigi Novi

I put a whoopee cushion on Twoblock's seat. He didn't laugh.

Luigi Novi

I said that DS9 had better writers.

Luigi Novi

I suggested Ten of Ten wear a normal Sevfleet uniform.

Luigi Novi

I crashed the Deltoid Flyer, destroying the entire shipment of Janeway's hairspray.

Brian

I still stand by my decision to promote Kneelicks to hood ornament!

Roget

I told the Captain Gainweight she was living up to her name...

Mouse - Jefferies tube 32

It's Captain Proton to you Buster!!

Daniel R

I actually followed the PC directive.

Sevanonymous

I took the Deltoid Flunker for a swim

Sevanonymous

I wouldn't worry, I'll be promoted *again* before you

Alex

well, all the other captains are bald - I didn't want her to feel left out

Randall Shane

I put a 'Dancing Baby' in Gainweight's holodeck programs...

Gegen

What have you not done to get promoted?

sesspit

The panels I made for the Delta flyer won't explode.

Mouse - Jefferies tube 32

Don't laugh....she's demoted you to window cleaner!!

Mouse - jefferies tube 32

Watch the rest of the show and you'll find out!!

Mouse - jefferies tube 32

I vented Caffeine instead of plasma!!

Mouse - jefferies tube 32

Nothing.........I just got homesick!!!

Mouse - jefferies tube 32

Sneezed all over the view screen!!

Mouse - jefferies tube 32

Put my feet on the furniture!!

Mouse - jefferies tube 32

Spat out my pips at dinner!!

Mouse - jefferies tube 32

Dear Dad, As you know I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere with this annoying little squirt called Kim.......Ahem oh hello Hairy!

Tim Daniels (I'm BAAAAAACK)

And if that wasn't bad enough, I have to apologize to Ten of Ten's breasts.

Tim Daniels (I'm BAAAAAACK)

I had too much hair to be any higher.

Tim Daniels (I'm BAAAAAACK)

Who would have thought that going from Warp 9 to a dead stop would launch the Captain so far...

Tim Daniels (I'm BAAAAAACK)

I can't tell you, but I wouldn't go into the Ready Room for at least a week to let the smell clear out..

Mouse - jefferies tube 32

I cut off a Bored Cube!!

Mouse - jefferies tube 32

I don't know........guess the Costume Department ran out of pips again!!

ShaneS

Never call the Captain Queen of the Spider People outside the hollowdeck.

Siriusly not

You know the Captains new hair cut...... well i ran with scissors

Q

Gainwieghts asking for comments about her new hairstyle! Get away while you still can!!

Q

It wasnt ME. It was the one-armed man I tell you!!

Q

Nothing. I just walked in on Gainweight before her mid-morning coffee fix.

Q

How was I supposed to know they'd shoot back?!

Omar R

You ever notice how different Bologna and the Captain look like from behind? I didn't.

Sarah

Who'd have thought that telling everyone what a great pilot I am, all the time, could get annoying!

Kris

I cracked a joke before her first cup of coffee.

Kris

Told Q she was still available.

Kris

Turns out she's the 'do as I say, not as I do' type.

Kris

I just suggested she wear the Queen Arachnia costume again.

jdwiseman

Never demand more screen time than Ten.

Will

I thought that the Borg would've forgot about us by now!

Will

I filled in for Kneelicks, and it was called a level-one emergency.

Will

I wanted to find out what was REALLY holding up all of Janeway's hair.

Will

I thought: "All great captains are bald", sooo. . .

Mav

I suppose it started with the lizard thing, fueled by the shuttles I wreck...

RealmMan

Apparently, whoopie cushions and Velcrons don't mix.

8 of 12

Never get between the captain and her morning coffee.

M@ Nelson

I burped "present" during the last senior staff meeting.

republik

so i didn't file a few colision reports in the past few years

Steve

Reprogrammed the caeffine content of Gainweight's coffee. She has been awake for 8 days now.

Varath

I told the captain to get her OWN coffee.

Cyber Jedi

Did ya notice how the ship seems to list ever since that last asteriod field?

valerie parv

YOU call Gainweight ma'am and see what happens

Jazz

Never, ever compare her hair to a Chea Pet.

m.p.c

I played asteriods using the photon torpedoes

Piper

I put in a request for YOUR promotion.

Piper

I sudjested we'd get home quicker if we went in a straight line

John Lang

I forgot to feed the squirrel that makes the ship go.

Ali

Gainweight never forgave me for our babies being slugs

Russell Boyatt

Just the usual - saved a civilisation or two...

Sean

I asked the captain why no one ever changes rank on this ship.

CaptStevenM

Torrid and I "worked" on one console to many

C. A. Brown

Retro punishment for that "Warp Ten" incident . . .

Sjerrie

Nothing. We're just running low on ensigns and plotlines.

Sweeney Todd

Mention Sevylon 5 just once...

Sweeney Todd

Shouting "Yee Ha" when Captain goes to warp.

Acting Ensign Emma

yeh! well at least i had a rank high enough to get demoted!!!

Alicia

Two words: Bologna and Console

TJD

It was a DEMOTION????

Duane B

I swerved to avoid an anomoly

Harry Hazeel

I got a scuttle-craft lodged in the captain's hair.

Harry Hazeel

They realised why our voyage was taking so long: I had the hand brake on.

Erik Hollender

I'd be breaking the PG barrier if I told you.

Mad Weasel

You know when I designed the Delta Flyer and you said a coffee-machine would cost too much power....

Scott McClenny

I said the to words a Sevfleet officer isn't supposed to say:Sevylon Five!

Roy Gales

Neelix's dinner gave me gas

sesspit

Nothing Gainweight didn't do a dozen times.

Shlamko

I called the captain one to many m'aam.

Sam

Harry, when are you gonna get promoted FROM Ensign?

Dave G

One too many speeding tickets in the Deltoid Fryer

Jor (the Wizard of Sha-ka-ree)

Only Gainweight may break the PC directive

Jor (the Wizard of Sha-ka-ree)

I beat Gainweight at pool

Jor (the Wizard of Sha-ka-ree)

I refused to go into a shuttle with Chocolatay -- I'm not suicidal

Jor (the Wizard of Sha-ka-ree)

There really WERE four lights!

Jor (the Wizard of Sha-ka-ree)

I mentioned the 'reset-button'

Brenten

After flying past the same planet's rings every week for six years, Chocolatay found out I was flying in circles!

Kris

You lose a few dozen shuttles...

John Fallon

What the hey , by the tume I finish explaining, we'll arrive home.

eqvui

I said you were sick of being the only bridge officer to get killed on away missions.

eqvui

Well lets see, I stole a ship, disobeyed direct orders, ignored the PC directive, fired a weapon, almost started a war and told an alien race where to go shove itself. You know the basic thing yoiu do to get demoted.

Trek Master

Janeway's a back-seat driver

Will Etienne

I pulled over to ask for directions.

Shawn McNiel

All I can say is never put a whoopie cushion in the Captain's chair.

Nick Noel

2 words... Receding Hairline

Shawn McNiel

I turned the viewscreen off and then screamed "Ahhhhh! We're being sucked into a black hole!!!"

Shawn McNiel

I made the harmless comment that if the Captain was bald and male, we would be home by now.

Shawn McNiel

Have you ever noticed how you have to pick your nose when you drive? Well.....

Shawn McNiel

I asked the Captain if she had Gained Weight.

Shawn McNiel

I suggested that we get one of those spiffy joysticks for helm control.

Avenger_CO

I guess drawing power from the Captain's hair dryer wasn't so bright.

Nim

She walked in on one of my more... 'exotic' holowdeck programs.

Steve Terrell

I needed a vacation, so I took the delta flier for a swim

Nim

I took the inertial dampers offline and 'buzzed' a Borg warship.

Spooky

Let's just say that it's an hour long story.

Cordavin Lon

I touched the do. You know. THE DO.

Rug Man

I thought she TOLD me to do a Sevloid Starburst!

Muffy

Put too much sugar in the Captain's coffee

Muffy

What else? I made a bet on how long it would take for you to nearly die again

Muffy

I brought the Captain cold coffee

Billy McNutt

I asked Captain Janeway if it was that time of the stardate for her!

Muffy

Put a whoopie cushion on the Captain's chair

Muffy

Wrote "Tomb and Bologna Forever" on all the replicators

Vixy

I only did what Janeway does once a wekk. I ask you, why isn't SHE in the brig?

E-Nice

I went warp 8 though a warp 6 zone and got caught.

E-Nice

I forgot to give the senior staff obligatory hair compliment to the captain.

Athena

I reinforced the Delta Flyer's Hull with Gainweight's emergency supply or hairspray.

Chris Harrison

I fell asleep at the wheel again.

Matt

I asked "Are we there yet?" to much.

Q_myriad

I ignored a direct order- I don't know why the captain is so upset, she disobeys her own orders...

Kristina

I introduced Kneelicks to Spam.

Kristina

let's just say the Doctor didn't look good as a woman.

Kevin Warrington

Aparently only commanders can use the joystick

SOC

Well, SOMEONE had to tell Gainweight about that hairstyle.

Colin

You accidentally start a war in the quadrant, and they think you're some kind of criminal!

Paul Rosen

I commented to gainweight that we were low on hair gel

DRB

brought a shuttle back in one piece. Go figure

Llachau

That's what happens when you lose your 100th scuttlecraft.

Agent-D

Just sit right back and you'll see a flash, a flashback of a terrible plot

Lyra

I missed the last 'coffee nebula'

ScottE Bemeup

I stripped the Impulsive Engine's gears by double clutching.

Lyra

How was I supposed to know Forager didn't separate?

ScottE Bemeup

Chocolatay caught me putting explosives in the consoles again.

ScottE Bemeup

One little core breach, and the world turns against you.

Christopher

I suggested that coffee was a non-essential item

Christopher

I asked the Captain if she was having a bad hair day

Christopher

Never, ever mess with the Captain's hair

Relisys

Hairy what did you do to remain an ensign so long?

sesspit

Gainweight can't get over the fact that we have children together

sesspit

Trying to save a planet, hijacking a shuttle, almost blowing up half a city... nothing unusual.

Acting Ensign Emma

i spilt my glass of water on ten and her cat suit washed of

Acting Ensigh Emma

i told the captain that she couldn't devert all the power from the warp drive to her hair drier

Edward

The lower the ratings, the lower the ranks

The Crazy Zonie

I made a comment to the captain about letting down her hair.

T'Rowa

It was an emergency measure to keep my hairline from receding any more.

Gareth Evans

Nothing serious, just used a few hundred Gel-packs for my hair, Powderised half the dilithium crystals to pebble dash my quarters, drained the plazma energy from the warp nacells to power my lava lamp and... Oh yes, disobeyed some orders as well.

Francis Miranda

How was i to know that that Nebula was a speed bump?

Francis Miranda

I told everyone to buckle their seatbelts, but did they listen? Nooooo.

Francis Miranda

I thought slumming with the lower ranks would be cool.

Francis Miranda

Why do you think Bologna had to wear that funky coat last season?

Francis Miranda

Hanging out with you caused the ensign syndrome to rub off.

evay

Fanfic writers were demanding "more angst."

evay

Saved your life a few times.

evay

Chocolatay REALLY doesn't like being called "Tattoo Boy."

evay

Did an unsanctioned convention.

jdwiseman

Ironically I refused to get out of bed.

jdwiseman

Goosing and Captains do not go together.

jdwiseman

Some crap about disobeying orders.

jdwiseman

Pull up a chair.

CatsPaw

Harry, when a woman asks "Do I look fat in this?" just run like hell away.

Michael Kraft

The captain found out I went to Sevfleet Academy with Measley Cruncher.

Antony

I thought I was being helpful when I reprogrammed the coffee to de-caff

8 of 12

saying 'friendly people' about every alien we contact apparently gets a little annoying.

8 of 12

I substituted the captain's coffee for an advanced tea substitute.

Brian

I asked where all of our shuttles come from!

8 of 12

It turns out that inertial dampeners are there for a reason.

Steve Hensley

"I made a necklace for my girlfriend from the ship's dilithium crystals."

8 of 12

Gave the captain an honest opinion.

8 of 12

Way to cheer me up, Hairy.

Flashdancer

Typing error.. i wanted to get PROmoted.

Flashdancer

Remember: NEVER laugh about the captains hair!

8 of 12

For future reference, Gainweight doesn't encourage playing chicken.

Jacz

I actually worked out a way to get us home

Jacz

I suggested they removeTen out of Tens implants, the Borg ones I mean

Jacz

First tell me why you HAVEN'T been promoted to leuitenant

FerengiBert

Make one silly comment about Captain Gainweight's hair....

Jacz

When Choklaty was asleep, I coloured in his tattoo

Brett

How was I supposed to know she didn't like decaf?!

Jacz

I mentioned Cuss

Jacz

I used the last of the Captains hair gel to polish the Delta flyer

Dr. Jekyl

Dunno. I was just following Gainweight's example!

Dr. Jekyl

Beats me. Who ever would have thought that the Captain was so attached to Kneelicks?

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