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This week's idea has been suggested several times but the first suggestion came from, yes, you guessed it... Francis Miranda!
Sev Trek: The Comic Strip

Why does Ensign Hairy Chin never get promoted?! The only thing more amazing than the length of time Hairy Chin has gone without getting promoted is that he's survived this whole time (well, he did get killed a couple of times but he always got through it somehow).


Other Punchlines



These comics are created from the winning entries of The Write Your Own Sev Trek Competition. This week's winning punchline was written by Riff. You can read the transcript of the IRC session where we decided the winner of all four competitions.


Tardis

Ensign is as ensign dies, and dies, and dies...

okay

scan for the anmolie of the week like i told you to do

Mark

Chocolatay, check the ship's sound system. I keep hearing an annoying whine.

Tratax

Over my wrecked starship !

chucky

It was a choice in your contract: promotion or doomed to die over and over again. You chose it.

John Lang

You make terrible coffee!!!

John Lang

Gyped on a clipped pip you drip?

Tribbles

I sent in a recommendation to Sevfleet, but they haven't gotten back to us yet.

girl from ipanema

Promoting you is number two on my 'things to do list'. Number one is getting back home.

Mouse - Jeffries tube 32

Find me a hairspray nebula and I'll make you my No.1!!

Mouse - Jeffries tube 32

He's getting above his station again!!!!

Lord Admiral C.A. Wagner

Its that damn reset button...

Charles Clark

Your not even old enough to drink and you want a promotion?!

Maria Spano

Oh Hairy, remember Ensign come, Ensign go!

Ozzie

Your service record gets wiped out whenver you die!

Kris

Twoblocks didn't make lieutenant until he was 200, I'm making it a precendant.

Kris

You're lucky I don't make you pay for all the consoles you blow up.

Kris

You've only had one babe-of-the-week in 6 years, there's a 2 per year minimum for command officers.

Kris

You turned down copulating with 10, you obviously don't have what it takes to be a senior officer.

Scott Hamilton

Not until you've hit puberty Mr. Chin

Scott Hamilton

I'd have to kill one of the senior officers

Mad Weasel

Bologna, please report to the bridge. Ensign Chin is malfunctioning again!

Amen Hotep VII

I don't have to listen to this! Chocolatay, see that it's dealt with.

Cmdr. Solomon

You haven't died enough times. You have...uh...4 more times to go.

Amen Hotep VII

Computer, freeze program! See, Chocolatay, the simulations tell us it's coming!

Scott McClenny

You were in last week's episode...but unfortunately that was an alternate timeline that really never occured.

R. Hamming

'Ten' demoted you in "the Omega Directive", and the Bored don't even have ranks! Need I continue?

John Lang

Maybe you'll get one for Christmas...IF YOU'RE GOOD!

Kevin Grigsby

Whine whine whine. Your not a woman. Get over it.

Admiral Hunter

What was that, Cadet.

Quip

You're efficient, polite, competent-- I don't promote WIERDOS, Mister!

Quip

It's your attitude-- you're the only one on board WITHOUT one!

Quip

It's your attitude-- or lack thereof!

Quip

So you can REALLY screw up?

Quip

Sorry, we don't REWARD bumbling anymore!

Quip

WHAT? We promote you to EVERY enemy as our main target!

R. Hamming

I like males in submissive, I mean subordinate, positions.

T'Kar

Brutal truth or sugar coated punchline?

Mouse - Jeffries tube 32

Gainweight to The Doctor.... Ensign Chin needs his nappy changed again!!

T'Kar

That reminds me, Chocolotay, do we have Chin's funeral scheduled yet?

Mouse - Jeffries tube 32

Shut up and scan my hair for anomalies!!

Mouse - Jeffries tube 32

One Hairy Captain is enough for any franchise!!

Mouse - Jeffries tube 32

Why don't you go suck some vacuum!!!

Mouse - Jeffries tube 32

your still a bit green around the nacelles!!

Mouse - Jeffries tube 32

your console exploded 3 times this week.....how much more excitement do you want?!!!

Kurt

What'll be the use of that, you'd be doing the same job.

Mouse - Jeffris tube 32

Personality first.......Promotion later!!!!!

JediChipmunk

Where in this quadrant are we gonna find another ensign with the ability to come back from the dead?

David Bofinger

Not by the hair on chinny-chin-ch- ... wait a minute.

Potswilly

Kiss my bun!

Rasputin

Do you know how expensive it is to kill a lieutenent?

Polson

The audience likes it better when we kill the annoying ensigns rather than promote them.

Airki

If we promoted you, you would need to have a few character development episodes. And I know I just don't have the coffee to take that.

Darren

Mr. Chin, you are now Chief of Waste Extraction...

Quip

I don't fix what ain't broke, Mister!

Kevob

Promoted? I find it difficult to remember you're here!

Duncan Shortt

I'd promote you to ship's fool, but Kneelicks is a natural at it!

Lord Admiral C.A. Wagner

Does the term "cannon fodder" mean anything to you?

Lord Admiral C.A. Wagner

Why don't you try living through this episode first.

C. A. Brown

Hairy, you were once demoted by a *Bored*. You're lucky I still keep you as an Ensign!

jdwiseman

Come rub my corns and we'll talk.

jdwiseman

Wow...a sense of humor, Ensign?

jdwiseman

I told you not to ask me that...ACTING ensign.

Angela Schmitt

You don't have the hair for it.

Gregory Griffiths

We get annoying Deltoid Quadrent guides, and I fall back! We get a hollowgraphic doctor with an attitude, and I fall back! But no more! The line must be drawn here! This far, no farther!

adam

We need an unkillable ensign like everyone else.

Scott McClenny

Don't look at me Admiral Naomi Wildman handles all the promotions.

Dave Kosin

Because I think you're a big doo doo head! So there!

Kevin Warrington

Just finish your jigsaw puzzle, Harry. Then we'll talk promotion

Kevin Warrington

Why don't you ask Dr. what's-his-name

Daniv

A live Ensign has better novelty value.

Joshua Eves

Maybe it's because you can't shave yet.

1LT Harrison

I sent the request to Sevfleet by carrier pigeon.

O.T.

How can we justify your dying every season if you're not an Ensign?

Andrew wood

now, why would we take away the consoles favorite chew toy?

Maddog

Nobody more senior than you has been killed yet

Cordavin Lon

Isn't your console due to explode?

Mikintosh

Technically,you're dead, so we forgot about you

Quip

You may file your complaint at the next sevbase.

traP

Regulations require one Ensign on the bridge to absorb shrapnel from consoles.

Gregory Griffiths

Cohocolatay, you'e right - this IS a frightening thought. Computer, end program.

Gregory Griffiths

Sorry, but you haven't died enough times yet!

Vincent

Hairy, since when did you become Comic Relief?

Sam Fergusson

If we didn't have to keep stopping to save you, we'd be home by now!

Robert carty

Because you're the navigator, and we've been going round in circles for two years

Ben

Fine. You've just been promoted to chief of get-back-to-work.

Rug Man

You keep complaining my hair is blocking your view!

ravenid

Not until you finish puberty.

Muffy

Brew some coffee and then we'll talk.

Polson

Chocolaty, he's talking again. Deal with it.

Dacron

That's it! One more question and we stop resurrecting you!

Fireball

Why can't I get a promotion? Why can't I get a girlfriend? Why can't I get a personality?

Namgubed the Merry Elf

You were - but then you came back to life.

Shane Vassar

We can't lose our scapegoat Ensign.

Paul van Mourik

We need a immortal ensign otherwise we'd run out of them before we get home.

Carol

Promotion would imply usefulness

Nodrog

So this is why Pickhard won't let children on his bridge.

Brian

Okay, now you're a Major Annoyance!

John Fassbender

So much danger. So few ensigns.

1AB

If you don't mutate this month I'll consider it.

Sean

We're running out of ensigns as it is and you want to get promoted?!

Wes

Promote you? We've been trying to get rid of you!

Eslington

You don't have enough fans

Danielle

Aspiring to get a personality, eh?

Danielle

So, planning on making an attempt on my position eh? Send him on an away mission!

Danielle

But if you get promoted, they'll start killing off the senior staff

Danielle

You're funny Hairy - now go get hurt like a good ensign

The Chia RHino

You're the only non-destructable ensign we have!

Cordavin Lon

Well, Ensign... Ensign... What's your name again?

Banai

Last aboard, last promoted.

Banai

Someone's gotta be the low man on the totem pole.

Sevanonymous

I'll cancel this show before I see you with two pips!!!

AJ

The only thing open is ships councilor. Want it?

Cmdr. Solomon

No, Because Sev Fleet regulations require that you either have 1. No Hair 2. Too Much hair or 3. Personality. You Mr. Chin have none of those 3.

Alejandro Lee

I can't have four main lieutenants on my ship fighting for an episode!

redshirt ensign noname

first you must answer me these questions three.

neilinoz

If you have a complaint I suggest you take it up with Sevfleet....

redshirt ensign noname

what? youre still here?

redshirt ensign noname

the thought of you outranking somebody scares me.

Reffik Midson

Do I hear delusions of adequacy I hear?

Anneke

Gainweight to Sickbay -- medical emergency: Mr Chin's under an alien influence, again!

just

I dont make ensigns lieutanants, I make lieutanants ensigns.

Mark

Remind me again once we get home.

T'Rowa

Because you're a Checkoff-brand Human Shield(tm).

T'Rowa

Because we need at least one disposible Ensign on the bridge.

Petréa Mitchell

I'll think about it if you can stay alive for an entire season.

Christoph Wieselhuber

We need an ensign to get all the dangerous diseases.

8 of 12

We weren't counting on you living for this long.

Wes

I've promoted you lots of times! Oh wait. That was me.

8 of 12

Quiet back there!

Luigi Novi

"Promotions are given out to characters in order of importance to the show and who's more interesting. You're next in line after Naomi Wildman, the alien attacking us this week, and a bioneural gelpack on Deck 12."

Darth Tilden

You need to lose some hair first.

Darth Tilden

If you make it through one season without a mishap, we'll talk.

Catie Bormann

If we promote you, you'll NEVER get killed.

Luigi Novi

I have an opening for a lieutenant in waste extraction. It's all yours.

Luigi Novi

"Demoting Mr. Parasite just didn't send the message I hoped it would, did it?"

Luigi Novi

"Okay, Hairy, I'll give you one. Would also like a paid vacation to Risa? Transfer to the Enterforaprize? We're in the Deltoid Quadrant, you SCHMUCK!"

traP

No money to change the opening credits.

traP

Less complaining, more peddling, Ensign!

Ilta

ou're too busy getting killed!

MyTatuo

I think you need a few more character-building episodes under your belt first.

RealmMan

It would require you to actually do something around here!

Relisys

I'll give you a promotion the day Twoblocks gets a sense of humour

MyTatuo

Jeesh, give the kid the conn, and now he wants to be captain!

Kris

I start your record over everytime you get killed.

MyTatuo

We're gonna be a shipload of Admirals when we get home...

Emma

You get a personality and we'll promate you. Till then.

MyTatuo

Break out the Klingoff Pain Sticks, Chocolatey.

Jcbwilson

Shut up, Hairy. Ensigns should be seen and not heard.

Commander

Your keeping all of us alive, ensign.

Namgubed the Merry Elf

We need approval from Sevfleet... in writing!

Corsair

Forager has no openings for "Boy Wonder".

Corsair

Not until you bring up your grades.

Strike Falcon

Chocolatey, you handle the crybaby!

Angela

Let's not forget who got us stuck here Ensign....

009

You're the reason we're stuck in this lousy quadrant remember?

Strike Falcon

What, and then I'd actually have to listen to your nerdy ideas? I don't think so!!!

009

In order to do that, we'd have to keep losing lieutenants and that NEVER happens.

Strike Falcon

Well, we're a little too far out for Sevfleet to FedEx us new rank pins, don't ya think?

Polson

Chocolaty, to you hear something? Sort of an annoying buzzing?

Polson

We gave the last pip to Ensign Soontobedead.

R. Hamming

Three words: "death's lightning rod"

John Lang

Cuz' you lack creativity,imagination,brevity and most of all funniness.,

John Lang

Why? You'd still die every other week.

Polson

It could be the fact that you keep asking "Are we there yet?" after every episode.

Brian

You don't stay dead when you die in the line of duty.

Brian

Chocolaty, who is this guy?

Brian

Just be thankful you have a recurring role!

x-tribble

Right now chances are bad, but we have a very moving funeral scene in the script if you're interested...

Brian

To what? Supremely boring, useless character?

x-tribble

Remember how you mixed up the [return to alfafa quadrant] with the [strand in alfafa quadrant] button?

evay

So your fans have something to bond over at conventions.

evay

I have to promote all the non-humans first. Affirmative action. You know how it is.

R. Hamming

Fungi rule of acquisition 139: "It never hurts to suck up on the boss!"

Nodrog

Tell you what: Kill Chocolatey and you'll ALL move up in rank.

RAdm Mata

Guess you're right, I don't want that console exploding behind me.

RAdm Mata

We'd have no alibi when you get killed by an exploding console

RAdm Mata

You're tough to get killed as it is!

RAdm Mata

You'd be off the endangered list.

ScottE Bemeup

It's a pyramid scheme. Somebody's got to be on the bottom.

RAdm Mata

Why waste the pips?

ScottE Bemeup

Your nose isn't brown enough yet.

Nodrog

It's called continuity. We have to cling to every shard that the writers leave us.

Shlamko

Then who will die?

Sashimi

What? And sacrifice our danger diverter?

C. Montgomery Burns

I've just promoted an "Inanimated Carbon Rod"

Nodrog

Sev Fleet law dictates there must always be one ensign on the bridge to attract danger away from senior officers.

Michael Kraft

Sorry I'm over my quota. I just promoted the replicators.

Antti

Then we'd have one less ensign to expend

Antti

I'll promote everybody when we get home

Antti

If you get us home, I'll see to it that you become an admiral

Michael Kraft

What's the point? You'll just die again.

Tom Hyde

There has to be an ensign, and you're the last one alive.

SAN

We want the Sev Fleet record for longest serving Ensign!

The Great Wizzard

We always thought you are just a cardboard prop.

The Great Wizzard

Did you hear that Chocolatey? Apparently, it can speak.

dettus

What was that CREWMAN chin?

Christopher

You interrupted my tete-a-tete with Cocoa for that? You're reduced two steps in rank, mister.

Christopher

You're paid to look cute and stand behind that console, not to think.

Christopher

Promote you above Parasite? Now there's a frightening thought.

Christopher

Parasite got demoted, and you're his protegé. Any more questions?

Dr. Jekyl

Three words: Low Personality Potential

Christopher

Hairy Chin having rank to pull -- now THAT'S funny!

Christopher

The thought of you giving orders to someone gives me the chills

Rob

Don't make me come up there!

Rob

Haven't we killed you yet?

Robin

We have a shortage of expendable ensigns, that's why.

Vixen of borg

If we promoted you who would we place in jeopardy every week

Lex Smeets

After buying those new shuttles, there's notyhing left of our budget

Lex Smeets

Chocolatay, did you hear anything?

Jeppe T

You will, as soon as we get home

Peter Bull

I'm sorry, but 10 out of 10 got your promotion instead!

The Great Wizzard

Starting to get ambitious, eh? I always suspected you aren't totally bland.

+PsychoPat+

We're out of pips! I'll have to demote someone first.

+PsychoPat+

Just be glad you can't be demoted any lower!

+PsychoPat+

You'll be... right after the docter chooses a name.

+PsychoPat+

Getting tired of avoiding exploding consoles Ensign?

+PsychoPat+

Just do what you allways do... duck when the console explodes!

+PsychoPat+

Your the last ensign in the Deltoid Quadrant... be proud of it man!

Johnny Cool

If you dont stop Moaning I going stop this ship, turnaround & head into bored space

+PsychoPat+

Chocolatay who's that cheeky Ensign?

+PsychoPat+

Do what Chocolatay and I do... switch chairs once in a while.

The Great Wizzard

What? Something else than "Captain I'm detecting a field of SevSpace [tech]"?

Roget

Cutesy wootsey babee wanna pwomotion? Awww!

Francis Miranda

Sorry, we've filled up our leutenant quota for the seventy years.

Roget

And you are...?

Francis Miranda

I can't bear to have you sit next to me.

Francis Miranda

Do the words "token ensign" mean anything to you?

Francis Miranda

Not until you eat your supper young man.

Francis Miranda

For what? Excessive over-acting?

Roget

Don't make me turn this hair around again!

Francis Miranda

I can promote you but then i'd have to kill you.

Francis Miranda

The harder it will be to kill you.

Francis Miranda

Protocol 5: Whiny ensigns may not get promoted.

Francis Miranda

Reckless imprudent officers who get killed often are not to be promoted!

§evqui§

Because we still need expendable ensigns!

Joris de Gruyter

Not with that attitude!

The Great Wizzard

As soon as you develop a personality.

Joona Palaste

Start going bald first.

gD

You haven't gotten us home yet.

Narina

We're still trying to kill you off

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