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Bald captains. This is a subject we've touched on in earlier strips but have never tackled head on (pardon the pun) until now. The idea was actually developed during a comic workshop I ran at the FSF Presents Nog Convention.

Other Punchlines


These comics are created from the winning entries of The Write Your Own Sev Trek Competition.

This week's winning punchline was written by Riff. In an unprecedented occasion, the IRC judges were unable to choose ANY of the finalist punchlines - cutting them all. Some called for a new set of finalist punchlines. However, since you are unable to choose a winner, I have chosen a winner for you. Think of it like political elections - generally, all the candidates suck but you have to pick the least worst. By not voting for a winner, you relinquish your chance to choose. In short, nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah! You can read the transcript of the IRC session where we decided the winner of all four competitions.


Would you rather gain weight or be bald?

Mouse - Jeffries tube 32

It's in the Perm Directive!!


Maybe it's the special shampoo they give you when you get promoted.


The ones with hair make admiral.

The Vulcan Assasin

You have not learned the captains motto "Infinite diversity receding hairlines"


That's why you can't never be one of us, hairy boy.


We choose to be bald. I had more chicks than you, Skitzo has Kassidy, Quirk had the Alfalfa Quadrant, need I say more!

Sic Fi Girl

Beats Me? Must have something to do with all those women running their fingers through our hair.

Pamela T.

Gainweight didn't and look where it got her!


I can't speak for the others, but i used to pull something besides my shirt.


Tell me again, which one of us gets more women?

Shay Nulman

We lost our hair to Janeway in a poker game


To compensate for your hair, fuzz-face.

The Cheese Grater

Speak for yourself, Chewie.

Gregory Griffiths

Easy for you to say, fuzzyface!

Catie Bormann

I don't know but the hairline must be drawn here!


Well, it sure beats buns!

Lt. Brad Gentry

Find out for yourself. Get a ship.


Only the men Piker, only the men..

Bob Clemmons

Every episode is a close shave.

Bob Clemmons

It's specified in the Minoxidal Peace treaty.


It's a quirk of the job.

Kevin Shaw

Are you going to accept the command or not?


Don't change the subject; to the charge of flying the Enterforaprise E with a joystick, how to you plead?


How come you get hairier every episode?


Resistance is futile, Number One. Your hair will adapt to service Gainweight


WHAT!?! Gainweight is going BALD!?!


It's that or wear your hair in a bun!


Our hair goes into female captains' wigs!

Brian Kendall

When I lose my eyebrows, I'll be an admiral.


You two hold him down - I'll get the razor


Just don't pass out at YOUR promotion party...


Grass doesn't grow on a busy street number one!


The extra pip costs more than just good looks!

E Foeth

Hair doesn't grow on brains

ScottE Bemeup

The women like it smoother than Beta's butt.

ScottE Bemeup

The glare gives us an edge in combat.

Wade S.

Let's put it this way, you'll never go bald.


I can see someone has missed seeing fleet barbers in a while.


Too many hair raising episodes.

Ford Prefect

Piker, I think it's time for me to tell you about where tribbles REALLY come from.


Initiation ceremonies.


It's the only character development we get to have.


If my memory serves me, you're coming up for promotion soon...


Damn time paradoxes!


It makes us aerodyamic.


Not all captains! there is one other... she stands alone... in the shade... of her own hair... hair...


Junior officers rub our heads for luck.


It keeps upstarts like you afraid of taking command!


It makes us easier to draw


You're passing up another command, aren't you?

Petrea Mitchell

Why do our first officers keep getting hairier?

Samurai Penguin

We are NOT bald - we're folically impaired.


It's called shaving. Try it sometime.


So that's why Gainweight uses gel packs for her hair.


Why? Are you having second thoughts about becoming a captain?


It's the second directive: To baldly go


Some gain hair; we just gain weight.

8 of 12

We misread the 'boldly going' part.


Gainweight's our last, best hope for hair.

Rambling J

Least Schidzo had a choice.


Didn't you read the contract you signed at the beginning of the first season?

The Great Wizzard

Is that the reason why you rejected all your offered captaincies?

Harry Hazeel

Piker, you don't have a high enough security clearence to know that.


Unlike Captain Gainweight, WE don't have a hair care budget!

Nintendo Guru

The producers are following a demographic.

Nintendo Guru

It's a curse. Stay as first officer if you want your hair.

Erik Hollender

Don't know. But I now know why you haven't accepted your own ship!


The Admirals love it when they can see themselves in your head

Brian Kendall

It has to do with the command hairarchy.

CDR Soen

Don't laugh--It'll happen to you!

Brian Kendall

Just because. Now take your promotion.


"So we can baldly go where no man has gone before!"


Gainweight makes up for our baldness


Bald? What was that, ENSIGN Riker?


It's from all the stress of dealing with first officers like YOU!

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