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Sev Trek - s580



Tech: Captain! An object consisting of acidic enzymes and foreign matter has appeard in Beta's office. Trans: Subplot coughed up a HAIRBALL.

Tech: Captain I've compensated for the minor fluctuations regarding the panel readouts. English: This stuff needs a little KICK once in a while.

Tech: Sir, recommend immediate discharge of plasma conduits! Translation: I really gotta GO...

Tech: Sir, the phase allignment of the warp nacelles is within two microns. Translation: Big ship go FAST.

Sir, due to moderations in sevspace quantification, the hyperconnective ferium connector component has unalligned itself. TRANS: I found a loose SCREW.

Tech: All the spectum readings on my visor have dropped to zero! Translation: I'm as blind as a BAT.

Tech: I tracked the phase variance source to this console. Plain: This is where I spilled my SODA.

Tech: I can try repolarizing the magnetic constrictors, reinitializing the phase inducers, or reversing the polarity of the graviton generators. Translation: ABORT/Retry/Fail?

Babble: When we reinitiated phase discrimination in the warp core, trilithium residue in the plasma coils causesd a prompt polaron discharge to flood throughout the ship. English: I hope no one was planning to have CHILDREN.

Tech: Sir, the dilithium crystal realignment went faster than I thought..Translation: Now I can go back to PLAYING solitaire.

Tech: The AutoNav system is off-line! Translation: The CRUISE control's broken!

T: A reversed optical focus would manifest a antigeriatric neglectic timecapsuled positive fieldconstruction. E: If you turn around you will se the birthday PARTY we have prepared for you!

Babble:...and I'm reading high chronoton emissions... Trans:...Oh no, not another daft "time TRAVEL" episode...

Centrifugal force is reaching event-replicative levels! Translation: we're ready to SPINOFF another "Sev Trek" sequel.

Tech: Captain, the graviton readings are normal! Translation: Yes, sir, that is how much you WEIGH!

Tech: Realigning the computer's memory core, kaptain ! Trans : CTRL - Alt - Del

The command functions are still routed to the upper deck. Translation: Hey, shouldn't you be on the BRIDGE?

TB: There seems to have been a phase inversion in the transporter buffer during the dematerialization process due to high levels of ionic activity in the planet's atmosphere. P: The ensign is TOAST.

Subspace commlink with Ferengi Stock Exchange reveals chronic rise in coffee stocks for Alfalfa Quadrant. Translation: Captain, we’ve finally located FORAGER!

Technobabble: All ship's functions are functioning within normal parameters and the the main deflector is recalibrated as ordered Sir. Translation: Good morning CAPTAIN!

Reconfiguring the photon torpedo for instant departure, sir. Translation: I got Measley STUFFED in there and we're ready to fire!

Technobabble: Minuscule foreign residue detected on the exterior of the ship infrastructure, sir. Translation: We should WASH the ship again.

TB: The phase tranducers indicate a precipitous drop in audience viewship, resulting in a possible decomissioning at the end of a basic unit of time known as a season. P: RATINGS are through the floor and we're getting canceled.

Tech: We're picking up the same residual plasma particles again and they match the warpsignature of the Enterforaprize. Translation: We're going around in CIRCLES...

The flux capacitors on the time differentiative alternators are at maximum sir! Translation - We really are stretching this plot REHASH to the limit!

Tech: According to the quasi-spacial reading and the time/mass relativity ratio, the lactose/fibritic bonding will be done in a spacial minuite. Trans: CHEESE and toast will be another minute

Babble: Our quantum fields is emiting a higlevel ion radiation and i need to reajust the fluctuation matrix. Trans: Our writers gets PAID by the word

Tech: Sir, the plasma flux has been realigned with the quantum oscillation frequency! Translation: The red light and the green light are BLINKING at the same speed!

I am unable to redirect the gravitational subspace distortion to another level of induced phase emmisions. Translation: I cannae change the laws of PHYSICS.

Babble: Activating primary photon emitters : Translation: I am switching the LIGHTS on!

Babble: ...and then we'll reinitialise the nacelles with a charged sevvlion pulse... Trans: I'm going to try turning it OFF and on again.

Tech: Sir, chroniton readings are now optimal! Translation: My SHIFT is over. See you tomorrow!

Tech : The vacuum extraction waste disposal unit is located on section B of engineering, Sir . Trans : The toilet is on your LEFT, Sir.

P: ...and I've spent three evenings aligning the sevvlion flux transplonder phase amplitude... Translation: I can't find a GIRLFRIEND...


Sci-Fi - s581



Please tell me they'll be fighting AGAINST the Redeye!

You don't want to SELL me any clones!

SHALLOW gene-pool, eh?

Fantastic-- I've never LAUGHED so hard!

I'd feel a lot better if they were shooting AT me

I think the OPAQUE visors were a bad idea.

Went to the lowest BIDDER eh?

You'd make a better ACTION figure than father figure!

You kept the RECEIPT, right?

I'll wait for the UPGRADE!

Do they come with a MONEY-back guarantee?

I see that someone will be PEDDLING innumerable upgrades.

I THINK coordination isn't hereditary!

At least in that eggshell ARMOR they're cheaper by the dozen!

If I looked like you, I'd wear a HELMET too!

For once, I don't have a bad FEELING about it!

Can I have the one that's doing the MACARENA?

I see you put QUANTITY before quality.

Time to call technical SUPPORT.

Obviously there were no life guards in their GENE pool.

Please say they're on "TRY before you buy"

First tell me which PART of you they were cloned from!

Damn those INTERNET stores

You still have much to learn about SALES talk.

I think you`ve just proved the NATURE versus nurture argument.

I hear that the Sith are looking for some cheap HELP...

I see you went with the ECONOMY models. Interesting choice.

If I were you, I'd get them to take my name off the CREDITS.

Great! What CIRCUS are you selling them to?

It's like a COPY machine. Copies of Copies just don't turn out.


The Pits - p374




Twist - t323




Sunday - ss37




These punchlines are the finalists of The Pits, Twist, Sev Trek, Sci-Fi and Sunday Comps. The winning punchline is decided on the #sevtrek IRC Channel. Make sure you read the IRC Judging Rules before the Judging Session.


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